The Satan Page


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By Jasmine and Beth

(we wrote this two years ago, it's kind of corny, but what else were we supposed to do i music theory....learn???)

For the past few days now a certain question has been plaguing me, and I know at one point, it was on your mind as well; are Santa Claus and Satan actually the same man? Well, after much in depth research, we have come to find that these two men are indeed, one in the same. To all those who would doubt this realization, simply ask yourselfhow much do we actually know about this fat red creature? Our evidence is as follows:

How Santa/Satan exemplifies the seven deadly sins:

1. Gluttony - for twenty-four hours straight he eats nothing but milk and cookies, not to mention hes already a fat ass.

2. Greed - while not actually a greedy man (well except that whole ruling the universe and enslaving the human race in hell thing), he really fosters greed by encouraging little children to lust after material things (see you have to mold them when theyre young and impressionable), which brings us to number three:

3. Lust - ok, he has parents drag little children to malls to sit on his lap and take pictures, Calvin Klein aint got nothin on him.

4. Envy - say Jimmy wants a Pokemon thing !!EVIL!!, but he doesnt get it, instead he gives it to Melvin thereby inducing envy in Jimmy over the(puke!) Pokemon thing.

5. Sloth - the man only leaves the house once a year, and thats only after he has all of his minions (Elves) do all the dirty work for him.

6. Pride - idolatry is deemed a sin because it takes worship away from whatever, and people know who he is all over the world I wouldnt exactly call him humble, besides, go to any target and youll see about forty of his figurines.

7. Wrath - instead of forgiving the bad children, he punishes them by giving them coal instead of presentsnot very nice.

Other rather demonic characteristics:

1. The red face, could be natural rosiness, could be
redness from flying through the snowand could be engorged capillaries from alcohol consumption...think what you will, but the conclusion is an obvious one.

2. The weird, pointy hat, to cover up the horns.

3. Breaks into houses via chimney, is it because its the only unprotected entrance, or is it due to the possibility of residual heat (reminds him of hell, supposed to be warm there all year round so)

4. Flies, yea, by enslaving poor, innocent raindeer, except Rudolf, hes evil.

5. Inside the pipe...hash.

6. The colors red and black (the boots) are usually associated with evil, for another example just consider the fact that Churchills colors arered and black.

Happy Holidays!!!



know what else is evil??...